Christian Marriage Advice For Husbands: Self-Control of the Pleasures of Manhood
Is marriage all about sex? What does the Bible Say about marital sex? Are all sexual acts permitted in marriage?
God created air, food, water, sex, etc. for survival of humanity. He did not create only these things, but he also created human appetite for them. The primary purpose of the appetite was not for enjoyment, but to enable us to do the needful for the survival of the human race. It is not easy to eat, drink or sex if you do not have the desire or appetite.
To the best of my knowledge, in the animal kingdom, female animals, go on heat during ovulation. The female does not accept a male no matter the extent of his appeal except when she is on heat. Ovulation is a natural time when a female desires sex for pregnancy.
For humans, during ovulation, the woman desires sex without any stimulation. Women were not created as sex objects to satisfy the men. They are created to bear forth children to the glory of God.
The man’s sexual desire is usually stronger than that of the women because he is by nature created to ensure continuity of his lineage. However, both men and women should exercise self-control over all bodily appetites and watch against self-indulgence, lest we become slaves to our own human desires.
We cannot put a thump rule on the frequency of sex or number of times sex is appropriate, but we can say that,
we must keep in mind the purpose why God created sex and regulate ourselves accordingly
We cannot also put a rule of thump on the kind of sexual acts (acts like oral sex) in a christian marriage, but we can say,
“Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is helpful. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not allow anything to control me 1 Co 6.12).
He who loves the world makes himself an enemy of God (James 4.4). The things of the world (1 John 2.16) are:
The desires of the eyes
The desires of the flesh (the human nature)
The pride of life
It is deadly to live to self-pleasure rather than to live for God. Do not set your mind on enjoying sex, rather set your mind on things of heaven.
If you are in a marriage that is not at all sexual, and your spouse will not respond to you, you must not think of divorce, but run to Christ for grace to deny self and to stay married. You are in a difficult marriage, and you are more vulnerable to temptation. The Lord Jesus can strengthen us to deny self and win over the flesh.
If you are in a marriage that is not very sexual, instead of working to increase the sexual satisfaction, you can still choose to drive your energy towards self-control, love for your spouse and the things of the Spirit of Christ.
Christian Marriage Advice For Wives: Self-control of the pleasures of Womanhood
We must watch over our hearts not to be overtaken by the pleasures or cares of womanhood (Luke 21.34). Women by nature desire attention, affection, romance, love & emotional intimacy from the male spouse. While we are aware of these natural tendencies, we must remember that we are to live after the spirit of Christ and not after the human nature. We must be careful not to live for these natural or carnal desires, rather pursue God’s desire. Women must be careful not to make their husbands slaves to their desires. In Christ, we are all free. A woman who pursues much intimacy with her husband will scarcely have her mind on God.
We can enjoy these things, but we must be careful not to pursue them. Our happiness must not depend on them.
A true disciple of the Lord is one who carries a cross of self-denial. The woman should by the power of the spirit of Christ, bring her natural tendencies to control.
If you are in a marriage where your spouse does not give you time or attention, do not leave the marriage. If your marriage is emotionally unsatisfactory, and your spouse will not repent, you cannot divorce, rather, run to Christ, for the grace to deny self. The solution will not necessarily be for your spouse to spend more time with/on you, rather, you should deny self and redirect your heart to God. If much of your heart and mind is set on your marriage, you will never be available for God. By the power of the spirit, if you want, you can be an eunuch for the kingdom of God.
Apostle Paul’s Advice to a Carnal Church (1 Corinthians 7)
The church of Corinth faced carnal issues on sex and self-control. Apostle Paul gave his opinion (not God’s commandment) on how to tackle their problems (1 Corinthians 7). His advice was a legitimate carnal solution to a carnal church who had learned the spiritual life in Christ.
1. Since the people have strong desire (lust)for sex
2. Since sexual immorality is rampant among them
3. Since they lack self-control
1. Marry than burn
2. They should not refuse one another in bed
3. They should not stay away apart from each other for a long time except for prayers.
They should do these so that the devil will not tempt them to sin because of their lack of self-control. Still, he would wish that all believers will remain unmarried as he were so that they can give themselves entirely to the Lord.
Paul’s advice was directed to a carnal church. The church of God is not supposed to be carnal. There is no other word that can be given to a carnal church except that they stop being carnal. As the church, they must control their strong sexual desire and deal away with their lack of self-control.
Apostle Paul’s counsel is an opinion, not (God’s word) and thus, it is not the standard for the church to follow. The word of God on the matter was and is, for them to stop being carnal. If they crucify their flesh, they will no longer be tempted by it.
They should deal away with the lust and lack of self-control in their hearts.
Marriage, frequent sex, not refusing your spouse in bed, as Paul suggested, will not treat the lust in their heart. People must not marry for sexual gratification, nor must they give themselves to sex nor burden their spouses with it. Unrestrained bodily desire is not a fruit of the spirit of Christ but of the flesh. The fruit of the spirit of Christ is self-control and selflessness. The life of the spirit of Christ can strengthen us to control our sexual desires and overcome christian marriage intimacy problems.